deep thinking

Now that my blog is no longer for marks, i though id use it as an escape for my crazy life. i have always been useless as journal writing, i am fired up and ready to write in my diary for one night and wont touch it again for 3 months. so this is how i am going to do it. Typing has always been so much easier thaan writing. i can get my thoughts down so much quiscker than writing... so this is me.in 3 years i have discovered so much about myself, who i want to be, where im going etc but i am still not where i wasnt to be with the person that i am. i want to be so assertive that people respect me for standing up for what i believe in, i dont want to hang out with people who bring me down, or those people who care more about shopping, clothes, money and all those trivial issues. i want to be around people who inspire me, who dont look at me for the kind of household ive grown up in or the fact that i cant afford epesive clothing, holidays, i dont even have a car... and that is SO ok! because one day when i do get a cra i know i wil treasure it and be so icredibly grateful for that car. i know that i would have worked for it and that it would be all mine. the only part i find difficult with being so ok with my circumstances is my sister. It is the strangest feeling but i wish i could give her everything. i wish i could give her a car, i wish i could take her shopping or not have to do a quick budget recall in my head when she poits out somethig she likes. i hate this feeling and i wonder if that how y mom feels- wantting to give TJ and the world but she cant because of circumstances. My eyes well up with tears when i think that i cant give my sister that, imagine what my mom feels. she has been a single parent for 11 years... the entire burden of money beig on her shoulders alone. I hate to wish my life away but i absolutely canot wait to get this degree for the pure reason of helpig out my mom financially and giving my sister more. What is so icredible is thta my mom has always given us what we need/want and MORE! We have been on every school trip since grade 1, every sports tour, we have gone on holidays with friends, gone on trips and been given beautiful gifts all at my moms expense and stress. She is so icredible, putting her happiess before ours. Yes, at times, it does become more difficult where hte stress becomes too much but my mom has always given so much love and support to my sister and i. Thank you mom. This post is just me tryig to rationalise feelings. Trying to put things into perspective. I have come a long way in 3 years since OT when it comes to standing up to friends, doing what i want to do, and not carig when poeple judge. If there is one thing that i have learnt this semester- it is NEVER to judge. So may examples have come up and almost slapped me in the face because we have NO idea what burdens people are carryig. No idea!