Life’s unpredictability

Haven’t blogged for a while... I feel like this week has been one of those weeks where my head is swimming with all these thoughts, ideas, anger, and confusion. I needed to get it down on paper. Ever felt like that? Where your thoughts are too much to keep inside, you feel like if you don’t let it all out somehow, your thoughts become those tears that are welling up in your eyes and just need to be spilled out. My blog, my escape from my own thoughts. I get so frustrated when I can’t put my thoughts to paper. But here I go. This week has once again, been a perspective shift. Life can be so unpredictable! And so full of “life lessons.” A friend of mine put it so well... “I get that life teaches us lessons and all that, but I’m sick of learning lessons. What if I just don’t want to learn lessons anymore??” Many times in my life I have felt like that. Like life is out there to challenge me, and I became so tired of being challenged. So exhausted. But then I look at this week and I appreciate the challenges, because I can empathise with those that are going through challenges. One of the hardest prayers I have ever prayed, that has changed my life forever, is “Break my heart for what breaks yours, Father.” He answered my prayer. And now my heart bleeds with even the tiniest percentage of what hurts Him. This week wasn’t a challenge that I went through. It was those around me. It’s not often that I look at someone else’s life and I am able to forget how menial my problems are. I wish I could reach out to those that I have seen hurting this week  I want to hug them, tell them that it does get easier; I can say this from everything that I have been through in my life. I feel like I have the right to say this. Lately, I have had anxious thoughts of how delicate life is. That one minute you are planning your life with the one you love and the next your life is completely altered. Nothing seems like it will ever be ok again. That’s when I am grateful that our time on Earth is a pin prick compared to the eternity that lies ahead. Away from the hurt and the pain of this Earth. But how do we deal with it now? How do we carry on when all we have is now. Yes the prospect of going to Heaven one day is beautiful and reassuring. But what about now?? It hurts too much to think of anytime other than now. I don’t know how to answer this, and I wish I did know how. It’s all too big a question to answer now in the tiny 22 years of my living. But all I do know is that there is a Hope. Hope. My theme for the year. “We have a Hope that is an anchor for our souls.” Can’t remember where that is from in the Bible, but it’s so true. Our souls have an anchor that will keep us grounded and just... OK for now! I WISH I COULD PUT MY THOUGHTS DOWN PROPERLY. There’s so much to say, so few ways to say it. In my journey of OT, I have been allowed to meet some of the strongest most beautiful souls with the hardest stories, and some only experiencing the bulk of their story now. Going through the hardest times NOW! How is that in the midst of our 4th year, someone I truly admire and love being around is going through one of the hardest times of her life. Heartbreak does not even begin to describe it. This week her story shook every fibre of my being. HER story is pure example of how life can go from big dreams to broken dreams. And yet she is one of the strongest souls in the hardest time. Two years ago the community of Durban North was shook by the death of my very good friend, Mike. One moment he is skating on his board, and the next, he is knocked down and killed by a speeding car. The lives of his friends and family altered forever in a few seconds. And I battled to come to terms with why something like this would happen. But I know deep down in my heart, that ONE DAY we will understand. One day we’ll be like... okaaaaay THAT’S why! And that is all I have to go on. That hope that one day I will understand. And maybe even not understand, maybe even better than that... That we will no longer feel the need to understand. That peace will overtake our souls and we will be content with not knowing. Nothing I have said makes any sense to the people that are hurting now. I get that. And I never will be able to have the answer, all I know is, is that I have seen and been through way more than any 22 year old should. And it is still not enough to be able to feel what those around me are going through. But I know that feeling of despair. I wish I knew what to say  but I know that I can feel a lot more than others can because of what I have been through, and I am grateful for that.